Thursday, September 30, 2004

Damn, I'm blogging alot these days (at least for my standards). What gives? I should be going nuts doing my work, but somehow stress forces all these thoughts out of my head... Hmm whoever said stress is a great motivator was spot on, 'cause it damn well is.

Anyway, a little housekeeping. Silly me noticed, after all these months, that comments were not enabled on this blog. After all this time, I feel really toot about that. It's now enabled, so any hatemail/comments/love letters can be posted as adequate (you can comment on any past articles, feel free to do so).


"I 'll tell you this... right now, I dunno what to think."

- Frost

Yeah, sure. 'I dunno what to think'. Not a phrase commonly in usage among the general populace, perhaps because more than ever it is a deeper admission of vulnerability than most people would care to admit.

Funny, isn't it? Most of the time, people don't know what the other party is thinking, and that is bad enough because you have to second-guess someone else's thoughts. Worse still to have to second-guess YOUR own. What gives?

Recently, just as suddenly as Hurricane Ivan wreaked his havoc upon the U.S of A, something happened to me. Vows of celibacy are never absolute, at least not in the mind. I can be a monk in body, but never in spirit. The human spirit will always feel attraction for particular members of the opposite sex, whether it be for physical appearance or personable character (I am NOT including homosexuality, because that's not the issue here) , no matter how one may labour mightily to deny its existence or paper it over with false thoughts.

I vowed never to fall for someone again, lest it turn out to be like so many times in the past; totally one-sided, and perhaps totally unrealistic. The next time I loved somebody, really loved somebody, would be the One, that I need never feel the pang of not just heartbreak, but having the chance snatched away from me before I could even reach out eager hands to embrace it.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so melodramatic. It's just that... old habits die hard. Anyways, vows are made to be broken, and you can never stop loving. The emotion, at any rate. As of right now, I'm so uncertain... do I really like this girl for who she is? Or do I like her because my wandering heart has simply found a new target in which to manifest my longings? Or is it just a simple crush, because of the everlasting power of a smile to induce romantic notions?

Doubts, doubts.

I should be stronger than this. I should not allow this to affect me. But it does... and I cannot stop it, no more than I can stop the passage of day with my bare hands. I don't have any answers, so common sense dictates I should play this by ear. Should I suppress what I'm feeling? Should I choose the mind over the heart? Am I really a die-hard romantic at heart...?
I feel I am now at the point where I cannot tell truth from ficition, whether this is a real liking for someone or simply a conjured emotion.

Oh, the days when liking someone was reason enough to go all out.

I miss them.

As someone once said, if something is made so cleverly it cannot be told apart from the real thing, then it is, for all intents and purposes, the real thing. I wish that were the absolute truth

As before, this will most probably end in heartache (for me, at any rate). What drives me on, as drives so many fellow humans, are the two most intriuging words of the human race:

What if?

Peace. Out.