Home Is Where The Heart Is

Monday, December 27, 2004

If she only knew, what I knew but couldn't say
If she could just see, the part of me that I hid away
If I could just hold her in my arms again, and just say I love you
But she's gone away, maybe she'd stay, if she only knew...

Presenting Song 'O The Moment... moment 'cause this is roughly how I feel right now. I can't very well moan and say life is mis-treating me, because it isn't... whatever inner turmoil I feel is purely my own making.

You know, sometimes, we expected the impossible. Well not impossible, but very improbable anyway. It's nuts to expect it could come to pass, insane even... yet we act like kids, hoping it will come true just because we want so hard for it to come true. Irrational, yes. As I said before, take away hope and you kill a person. Yet sometimes... it's better if we could do without it.

I dunno why I feel this way. I'm past my teens, the raging hormones have fallen mostly silent, so I shouldn't feel this way. Can't explain it, yet there it is. Why do bad things have to come in threes? Guess that's the way of the world. There is nobody to blame. Can't very well blame those who have helped me, can't blame those who have nothing to do with it, can't blame God because that's just dumb, can't blame myself... because I'm not sure if I can live with my blame anymore. Those people who can take their damn emotions, shove 'em into a cupboard and not care about them? Nuts to you people, 'cause I can't. Wanna hate you, but I can't...

I guess I should go back to church. Perhaps this is God's way of telling me. I never really stopped believing, I just stopped believing enough, I guess. Though I wanna go crying to God, I can't... something's holding me back. Perhaps it's just my stubborn bull-headed ego, but I can't...

So many things I wanna have in this world, and few of them are extravagant to ask for. Is it so hard to be loved? I'm not sure... If I had not been a jerkoff so many years back, things might have been different. But it's too late to go back... it always was.

Experience is, perhaps, the best teacher. But it's none the less painful for that. Learnt many things, all the hard way. Cut me some slack, throw me a slow ball... just that one break in my life, that's all I ask... you can take all my requests and shove them, just grant me this one tiny wish... Anything but my soul will do. Well, almost anything.

God, are you out there? It's your little lost sheep, who's crying and can't or won't find his way home...

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
11:24 PM

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Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Soledad, it's a keeping for the lonely, since the day that you were gone...

Song of the week! How many of you still remember Westlife... Chaperoned by Mr Keating, they now languish at the bottom of the billboards, if they're there at all (they just released a CD of oldies, and it's not even their songs. Figures.)

I just wondered, how can things change so much in such a short period of time? I know the old cliche on people changing, but still? Sometimes I think I don't wanna change. For example, I find it hard to throw away old stuff, even though I know I should, but still I don't. Not because I hope to eventually find some use for it, but I just hate to part with stuff. In a way, I don't want to part with the perceptions I may have formed at first. I want to believe people are inherently good, despite how sickeningly cliche and naive that sounds. After all, who wants to think everyone's a dickwad? Unless of course, one happens to be said dickwad. Righttttt.

On a lighter note, I have to post some observations on how people try to act kewl in public. There's this famous incident I have to relate that happened way back, when handphones were new, cool and the 'in' thing:

Ah Beng enters scene from off-right. Ah Beng moves to metal pole in the middle of MRT car, takes out phone and appears to receive call.

Ah Beng: Eh, simi!

Ah Beng continues phone conversation, punctuated with loud 'wahhs' and 'song bo' and 'wa eh kwa lan pa'

Suddenly, phone rings in Ah Beng's hand!

For the initiated, there's only one phrase we can all say at this kind of situation: HONG GAN LAH!

HAHAHA

Go, Ah Bengs, GO!

It's amazaing the lengths people will go to act tough/cool/macho/whatever in front of others. Unless there happens to be object of affection nearby, in which case such behaviour can be condoned. Or not. Depends how much the subject acts like Dorkus Maximus.

We live in one hell of a wacky world. Better than a boring world, so says the Guru.

Hay Te Huachos, Amigos

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
7:48 PM

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

I've waited all my life, to cross this line...

Ha I forgot the rest of the lyrics, bugger since this is only the first line of the chorus. The first frickin' line of a chorus, and that's all I can remember. See, this is what happens when you drink too coffee. Or not.

Anyway, for once, this song has no relevance to my post! Big surprise. I dunno, I just feel I've been too uptight in this blog, maybe in my life. As the great guy once said, 'Loosen up, you &$#*@!'

Life's not been too good to me recently. For the most part, at least. But sometimes some things happen to make you question your perception of life, just when you think you had it figured out. I might have start with a little self-introspection. Why do I do the things I do? Many a times I wanted to do something this way, or say something that way, but instead ended up with something totally different altogether. Case in point:

Realli Realli Cute Gal: Hi!
ME: Hi, man
RRCG : I haven't seen you since (insert time of last meeting)
ME: (mumbles) Yeah me too

(interlude)
Me too?? Me f*cking too?! What the hell? What stuff are you smoking man? You have serious verbal diarrhea man. And for pete's sake stop mumbling like Jay Chou!
(end interlude)

RRCG: I'm sorry?
ME: Yeah, I haven't seen you for a long time too
ME: So where are you going?
RRCG: Town.
ME: Yeah me too

WTF? You just said that 5 seconds back!

Oh man she looks so cute I could eat her alive.

RRCG: (points to bus, smiles) Bye.
ME: Bye, man

Be still my beating heart. Ok, that's not gonna happen for some time, but anyway, my internal editor can't believe what the hell just happened. The cool, suave lines that were supposed to come out didn't materialize, instead all I gave was verbal crap. Confidence Crisis! What's a poor guy to do.

What we visualize and what we want, big major difference, period. On a side note, they say singing helps cure mumbling, but as I have no voice for singing (the only reason I'm not slamming Mr Sly harder is because I can't sing as well. Well, at least I have much better diction). So if you have a cure, please be a kind soul and tell me about it. Mumbling is only a good thing when you can sing Chinese and have a bad boy image. Other than that, no-go.

Still, I have one good thing out of this debacle, hope. At least she didn't act like I was weird and sidle away (or if she did, she's being very polite). Hope. Humans need lots of it, being the emotional creatures that they are. I guess that's one of the burdens that comes with a higher intellect, or so they say. Hmm, I guess I wouldn't really mind mood swings from time to time, beats living in the forest and eating bananas and scratching fleas off one another's back.

If you took hope away from a person, their emotional well-being would collapse like a house of cards. In an existence with so much suffering and misery and betrayal and just plain ruthless cruelty, it's the one thing that promises a better time ahead. This world is far from perfect, and even if people die-die won't change, I guess they need to pretend that others might. Ignorance is bliss? HAH. Go figure.

Anyway, I'm kinda outta stuff to say for the moment, so ciao and I will see you next time.

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
10:37 PM

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Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Simple pleasures of life.

People write about this all the time, but what exactly do they mean? For a society that increasingly seeks satisfaction in technological supremacy, it's about as meaningful as the "I loved you" phrase nowadays. Ok, so sue me, but romance just isn't what it used to be. Anyway...

Say I'm bored, what do I do for entertainment? I listen to music (increasingly done with something else, such as waiting for the damn bus), I watch TV, a movie, DVDs, I play on the computer, PS or XBox. I read a book, magazine or newspaper. I take my car for a spin over Benjamin Sheares (for the lucky few with a set of five wheels - four rubber and one plastic). All carried out with the aid of technology. That's right, even reading is propped up by technology these days. Yes, man has been reading for millenia, but not on the same scale nowadays, what with printing presses and all.

So what do I mean by simple pleasures? I just found an old CD of MLTR hits, and out of curiosity I pop it in the player, for I haven't listened to it in a while. While the music is definitely nice, what surprised myself was that, for the first time in a very long while, I was singing along to it. Not just singing softly or humming, but singing out loud. Granted, my singing voice is no SG Idol standard, but I just didn't give two hoots.

Remember the old days when we used to sing along to songs? And not just sing along to songs, just singing for the damn fun of it. We'd sing all the songs we could remember, from current pop hits to oldies to even kiddie songs. Haha, that was embarrasingly funny in hindsight, but hilarious nonetheless. Singing without any music but our voices can sometimes be just as fun as singing along to music.

As they say, no voice is more harmonious to our ears than our own. Be ignorant, and be blissful. Just this once.

'Oh my sleeping child... the world's so wild but you build your own paradise...'

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
9:32 PM

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