Sunday, May 29, 2005
"She will not survive the night."
Thunder boomed outside, the resonant echoes ringing throughout the room.
The doctor stood over her body, his face a mask of his emotions.
"I am sorry. She has lost too much blood. Perhaps if she was brought in earlier..."
I heard nothing else.
Death is not merely a process, a journey that we must all undertake. The Angel Of Death is not only a messenger but an escort as well, a spiritual entity to bear the deceased to the realm of the afterlife.
And occasionally... that journey can be interrupted, or even forestalled.The voice did not falter.
There exists the means to challenge Death. It is possible for any mortal strong enough and brave enough to do so, and in the process redeem the soul of his or her beloved.A faint aura of mockery crept into its tone.
Of course, often enough simple foolhardiness is sufficient reason for doing so.The presence began to colaesce into the faint image of a slender female figure draped in black, face hidden by a voluminous hood.
Again the voice began, but this time the words bore a much bigger semblance of reality.
"You seek the soul of the female Death has marked as His now, do you not?"Mistrustingly, "What the hell you do you want?"
"Unlike so many earthly wishes, this is one that I can help you with.""How so?"
"The passing of a mortal is never an absolute matter. Should you choose to accept, you will find out just how much so.""You haven't answered my question."
"Quite right.""Then this is bullshit. You can't help me."
"Conclude what you will. However, since you have no compelling evidence to the contrary, my earlier statement will simply have to stand."I grunted sceptically.
"You understand that the continued existence of your mortal life on this plane cannot be guaranteed, should you decide to undertake this venture.""Right."
"Death does not treat those who mock His authority lightly, indeed.""I understand."
"No, you do not." She shook her head, her words filled with an ethereal sadness.
"The bargain for a mortal's life always requires an equal sacrifice, namely the life of the bargainer. Even if she should set foot in your mortal world once again, you will not be there to greet her.""In other words: you will not survive this."A short pause. "I suspected as much."
"And you still wish to proceed."A much longer pause. "Yes, I do."
An immortal is not meant to display emotion, and yet I could not help but hear the echo of a sigh in my mind.
"Why do you do this?""You know why."
"No, I do not. Not until I hear the words from your own lips."I ground my teeth together. "Love. It is for love."
"Do you even know what you are saying? ""Of course."
"Again, you do not. Do not be so fool as to throw your life away on some idealist notion that you are sacrificing yourself for a greater good. Once you realize how foolish you have been in your final decision, you will have all eternity to regret it as you burn with the ceaseless fires of Hell.""You will watch from your eternal torment as she leads her life without you. A life that you will not enjoy with her, as she even forgets that you ever existed." "With due respect, I know exactly what I am talking about."
"And exactly what do you mean?""Just what I said. I would never be able to live with myself otherwise, in this world or the next, were I to abandon her to her fate."
"Emotions. It is amazing how often and how blindly you mortals listen to them. Do you not know God's love for you?""If as humans we have become obsessed with only self-preservation, then I think we've become a sorry example of God, haven't we?"
"Blasphemy. And yet your words have a certain logic about them. Very well, you shall have your chance to show how brave you are before Death."Again that faint tone of mockery.
"Or how foolhardy."I didn't hear you leave,
I wonder how am I still here
I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Oh I am what I am,
I'll do what I want, but I can't hide
I won't go, I won't sleep,
I can't breathe, until you're resting here with me
I won't leave, I can't hide,
I cannot be, until you're resting here with me
I don't want to call my friends,
They might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed,
Risk forgetting all that's been
Oh I am what I am,
I'll do what I want, but I can't hide
I won't go, I won't sleep,
I can't breathe, until you're resting here with me
I won't leave, I can't hide,
I cannot be, until you're resting here with me
I won't go, I won't sleep,
I can't breathe, until you're resting here with me
I won't leave, I can't hide,
I cannot be, until you're resting here with me
- Dido,
Here With Me
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
10:24 PM
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Tuesday, May 24, 2005
"Hey man. I have sat here and spent the last half hour listening to you go on and on about every possible attractive body part of hers, and then some. Aren't you going to do anything about it?"
I frowned. "What, now? Finals are in a week."
He rolled his eyes theatrically. "What, you think I'm nuts? After that, of course."
"It's not as easy as that." I shook my head.
"Why not?"
"You wouldn't understand."
"Oh no?" He gave a knowing look. "Try me."
"Put it this way; just about 99 and half percent of the male population have the same ideas about her as I do. I'm not exactly wanting in the competition department."
"And the other half percent?"
"Gay."
"Hmmm." With a wry look. "Figures."
"I'm not the pack leader with regards to brains, brawn or just plain physical appearance, you understand. I don't have a tycoon father's inheritance. I don't even have the semblance of being well-to-do. In short, I have *nothing* to offer her."
"So, say if I was her, how would you convince me?"
"Not in a million years."
"C'mon. You gotta have something about you that you're proud of."
"Nothing."
"Anyone ever mention you need a course in self-confidence, stat.?"
"Besides the point."
"You do love her, don't you?"
"How can I say I love her? I don't even know her."
"OK, at least you have the hots for her, don't you? As long as you're sincere, that's reason enough in my book."
"Is sincerity going to do any good?" I sighed.
"So you are going to spend the rest of your life sighing and staring at the girl of your dreams?"
"You think I like this?"-angrily. "I can't do much now, can I?"
"Can't you at least try? However useless it may seem to you, do you have something more important in your eyes? Have you some worthier goal, some loftier ambition right now that will justify yourself to a greater extent in your eyes?"
I blinked. "You want me to just, what, get her as my girlfriend? She has no reason to choose me over so many other, more qualified suitors."
"No, I want you to try. For those lovely eyes, for her smile, the one to die for."
I hesitated. "I will not succeed."
"Then you will be no worse off. Will you try?"
At that moment, I was finally filled with a conviction I should have felt eons ago.
It's amazing how emotion has a tendency to over-ride logic.
Hope. Without it we are all dead, emotionally.
"Hey where ya going?"
I did not break pace as I looked back. "I've got a date to ask."
By the time comprehension dawned on him, along with a big grin, I was no longer in sight.
It is our destiny to chase that which matters most to us, that in doing so we appreciate it all the more.
I drift I burn I fly
When you sing lullabies
And helpless, and yearning
Like putty in your hands
And if I dream I cry
When you take me on a rollercoaster ride
You see me through and through
You see me just who I am
Just take my hand and
Chorus:
Save me, from this place
Heaven knows, I'm fallin'
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows, heaven knows
I've been waiting for you
I've had a dream that I
Was falling from the sky
At 90 miles an hour,
I was bound to crash and die
But I don't know where
You came and rescued me
There must be some grace,
The touch of your face
I'm so happy that I've found you
No longer afraid, ohh 'cause you
Save me, from this place
Heaven knows, I'm fallin'
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows, heaven knows
I've been waiting
Bridge:
Before I met you life was slow-mo, so slow-mo
I thought I had it figured out
But it came and turned
My whole world upside down
[Instrumental]
Save me, from this place
Heaven knows, I'm fallin'
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows, heaven knows
You've come to
Save me, from this place
Heaven knows, I'm fallin'
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows, heaven knows
I've been waiting for you,
Waiting for you
- Corrinne May, Save Me
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
6:34 PM
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Monday, May 23, 2005
A friend tried to network-market me today. Then again, I'm not so sure he's my friend anymore.
He's not the only one in recent times. Quite a few of them, in one guise or another.
Why? Is the only reason you call me for a chat after so long is to con me into buying crap? Am I nothing but a sale to you? A fucking lousy sale, at that.
I hate people who mortgage their friendship to get ahead in this world. Yes, everyone hates betrayal, but I abhor it to an extent you cannot even begin to imagine.
Others may give you the proverbial three chances. I don't. You only get to betray me once, and that's it.
Everyone lets others down, at one point or another. I've let many people down over the years.
I don't sell them out, though.
I come from a land where they don't eat that kind of bread. And no, I'm not fucking sorry. You can take your financial advice and shove it up your arse.
And you don't even have the fucking politeness to pretend to treat me as a friend.
Welcome to the big time, baby.
You just earned my eternal ire.
Or for a very long time to come, at any rate.
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
11:17 PM
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Monday, May 16, 2005
Sometimes, things aren't meant to be.
"You sure you don't need any help with that?"
Especially when it's something you've wanted all your life.
"No it's OK. I think I can carry my own purse, don't you?"
I bent down. "Not even this half a dollar coin you dropped?"
She smiled. "I believe picking up small change is your job."
"Hey," I raised my hands in mock disagreement. "Waste not, want not."
"Sure."
We walked in silence to the metal barriers, where she paused momentarily and turned to face me.
"So this is it." I pursued my lips.
"Hey, let's not make this a big deal, OK?"
"You know, where you're going, you oughta dress up alot. It can get really cold, it's autumn and all..."
"Listen to me-"
"Yes?"
"We've been through this already, haven't we?"
Damn right we haven't.
"Do you really have to go?" I pleaded.
She sighed. "You have no idea how long I've waited for this opportunity."
"You have no idea how long I've waited for you."
"If you're going to hold what we have to hostage every time, I can't really say anything that's going to please you, can I?"
I shook my head in disbelief.
"Look, this isn't about us. We're good. It's just that we're going to be away from each other for awhile. Be patient, won't you? After all, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder..."
"Bullcrap. Absence makes the heart go yonder, and you know it."
"You know, I do like the way you argue back at me, on my own terms. It's one of your more endearing characteristics. But right now, I'm going to have to insist I'm correct this time."
I bit my lip. "Fine, you're right this time. Go away on your job of a lifetime, do whatever you want. I will NOT stand in your way from now on."
She raised a delicately-arched eyebrow. "Why are you so afraid?"
"I'm not afraid. I'm just pissed."
"Oh come on."
"Yes, yes I'm afraid, alright? You happy now?!"
She shook her head in disapproval. "You didn't have to do that."
With one fluid motion, she turned around, heaved her bag from where I had left it to her shoulder, and made for the exit.
I had about two seconds to say something before I would end up kicking myself for all time.
"I'm just scared to lose you, you know?"
She walked on.
"I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't even know if you'll ever be back. I just want things to stay the way they were..."
She halted in mid-step.
I've just put the proverbial foot in my mouth, haven't I?
She turned. Her expression was stony
Oh no.
It was then I noticed she was beginning to laugh. At me.
Oh yes.
She returned slowly. "You're a moron, you know that?"
"Yes. Yes, I am."
I hugged her. Time was growing short.
"Take care of yourself."
"You too."
She walked away, pausing only to wave at the departure gate.
I waved back at her, smiling my darndest.
Truth is, I was struggling not to cry like the woebegone child I truly was as I stood there.
Until now, I never really understood what they meant by laughing and crying at the same time.
Until now.
As I slowly trudged back, I realized I'd forgotten to seek assurance of her return.
Then I registered the hard edge of something in my hand. I opened my fist.
The half dollar coin. From her purse.
I could almost hear her voice in my head, the words I needed most to hear:
I'll be back for that.
If I had to live my life without you near me
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long
With you I see forever oh, so clearly
I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong
Our dreams are young and we both know
They'll take us where we want to go
Hold me now, touch me now
I don't want to live without you.
Chorus:
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You oughta know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I'll never ask for more than your love
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought to know by now how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through but nothing's gonna change
My love for you
If the road ahead is not so easy
Our love will lead the way for us, like a guiding star
I'll be there for you if you should need me
You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are
So come with me and share this view
I'll help you see forever too
Hold me now, touch me now
I don't want to live without you
Chorus
- George Benson, Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
10:03 PM
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Thursday, May 12, 2005
We sat together on the breakwater, our legs hanging out over the gentle splashes of the waves below.
There wasn't much to say between us. I was beginning to regret the suggestion of coming here.
And then something magical happened.
"Can you see that star, that one over there?" She pointed at a pinprick of light in the heavens.
"Yes."
"Do you know what that star stands for?"
"No, not really."
She looked at me with a puzzled expression.
"You're not really interested, are you?"
"No, I am. It's just that... I'm not really good on stars." I shrugged. So much for an education in astrology.
She went back to star-gazing. With a deep sigh, her shoulders hunched.
Damn, I've just about blown it
I turned to her. "Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so blun-"
She sidled closer, almost shoulder to shoulder.
What the hell does this mean?
Nonplussed, I remained still for a few moments. Then deciding to throw caution to the wind, I cautiously put my arm around her shoulder.
Nice shapely shoulder, at that.
Since I was expecting some sort of rejection, I was caught totally off-guard when she proceeded to lay her head on my shoulder.
Well, fortune DOES favours the bold.
I breathed out slowly, realizing I had been holding my breath all this while. I gave her shoulder a slight squeeze. Reassurance that finally, both of us were past the awkwardness. I leaned over to kiss her hair.
She looked up at me. "So... what does this mean?"
"Well I'm not sure... what do you think?"
She grinned. "C'mon, take a guess."
"Well... I guess this means I'll have to start asking you out more often, won't I?"
"Hah. I was gonna say I think we should go slow, but your version sucks more."
"Always the honest one."
"My pleasure."
I move closer to her, smelling the faint scent of her perfume and feeling the warmth of her body. Then a thought struck me.
"You never mentioned what that star stood for, you know."
"Oh yeah... well, it's supposed to be the symbol of unrequited love, or something like that."
What irony.
"You don't really believe in that, do you?"
"I don't, now."
And for the first time in my life, I kissed a girl.
As I look into your eyes,
I see all the reasons why
My life's worth a thousand skies
You're the simplest love I've known,
And the purest one I'll own
No you'll never be alone...
My baby you
Are the reason I could fly
And 'cause of you
I don't have to wonder why
Baby you
There's no more just getting by
You're the reason I feel so alive...
- Marc Anthony, My Baby You
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
2:47 AM
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Sunday, May 08, 2005
Mr. Shickadance: Venturaaahhh!
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? [Turns around.] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.
What to say to someone who's really pissing you off.
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
12:01 AM
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Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Being the outsider sucks.
Bad enough that one has to win a girl's heart. Worse that another guy gets to jump queue.
I feel like emotional surgery. Cut out the part that hurts most, then maybe the pain will go away.
Why long for something you can never have?
A small boy once approached a girl and gave her a flower, and told her that he liked her. The girl asked him why he would like her in the first place. The boy replied that she was pretty, smart and kinda funny, even though the girl in question didn't appear to be so. The girl blushed but told him she didn't like him, though she did accept the flower. The boy smiled and ran off. It was then, I realized; it wasn't so much the hope of receiving affection, it was the courage in getting rejected.
Someday, my soul will be at rest. One way or another.
For now, I am a wanderer.
All the gold in all the world
Is nothing to possess
If all the things that it can bring
Can't add up to one ounce of your happiness
And for your love
I would do anything
Just to see the smile upon your face
For your love
I would go anywhere
Just you tell me and I'll be right there
A diamond that shines
Like a star in the sky
Is nothing to behold
For minuscule is any light
If it can't like you brighten up my soul
And for your love
I would do anything
Just to see the smile upon your face
For your love
I would go anywhere
Just you tell me and I'll be right there
- Stevie Wonder, For Your Love
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
1:21 AM
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