Home Is Where The Heart Is

Sunday, July 31, 2005

I stood alone, with the sound of the crashing waves beneath me.

The sound that could not drown out the mental piercings of a thousand breaking glasses.

I could not see. Like a veil of the darkest shade, tears blurred my vision.

I stepped to the edge.

The balm of nothingness, spread over the rawness of a wound that would never heal.

Why? Dear God, why?

Once you told me you would wait for me.

Wherever I went, wherever I would go.

You promised your love to me, beneath the light of the full moon.

"This is my heart, and it is mine to give to whomever I choose."

And once upon a time, I believed you.

I waited an eternity for you.

I would have willingly waited another eternity.

Til the day you found another person to promise forever.

The day my world came crashing down.

The day I lost my way.

Do feelings change?

Always.

No. No, no, no....

I cared not for the wetness that forced its way past closed eyelids.

The wind billowing in my ears, howling its eerie message.

You have tasted the bitterness of inevitability.

You will linger on in sadness and in gloom, til the many days of your life are utterly spent.

One foot over the lip of the chasm.

There is nothing left for you here... only death.

Two feet over.

I spread my arms.

I'm flying.

It felt something like this when I first met her.

Maybe if she only knew what I felt.

Maybe...

Maybe...

May-

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
10:44 PM

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Saturday, July 30, 2005

Women are complicated creatures.

A life I never knew existed.

Confidence to go where I have never trod.

So much rests on this.

I cannot fail.

For the day my hand is taken.

I give hope to others - I keep none for myself.

You don't have to drive a fancy car
Don't have to quote me Shakespeare just to woo me
Yeah I see your nervous laughter when you're trying to crack some joke
Well, you don't fool me
I'd like to see your eyes through those goggles that you're wearing
Don't try to hide away

Just be yourself, Mr. Beasley
I don't need your show of attitude
Coz' it's your soul that makes me fall in love with you
Fall in love with you

You don't know this but I see you in the church when you are praying,
You just move me
And my friend Sue she tells me you've been teaching kids for free
Mr. Philanthropy
I'd like to see your eyes through those goggles that you're wearing
Don't try to hide away

Just be yourself, Mr. Beasley
I don't need your show of attitude
Coz' it's your soul that makes me fall in love with you

Just be yourself, Mr. Beasley
I don't need your show of attitude
Coz' it's your soul that makes me fall in love
It's your soul that makes me fall in love
It's your soul that makes me fall in love with you

- Corrinne May, Mr Beasley

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
9:47 PM

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Monday, July 25, 2005

Gambles. We all gamble in life.

Sometimes it seems like everything is one big wager, does it not?

You meet someone new. You say hi, you wager on lowering your self-guard in order to make a new friend. Fortunately most people are nice, and usually aren't apt to chew your head off, so this is a rather low-risk gamble.

You propose a new, radical idea at a group meeting. You wager by sticking your neck out on something you are not even sure people will listen to, let alone accept. This carries noticeably more risk, but it is a risk within acceptable limits, in view of the possible payoff.

You like a girl. You want to ask her out, you wager your entire sense of self-dignity in popping the question. Whether you do it subtly, or not, is entirely another debate. High-risk wager, but as always, the prize at the end justifies such low odds of beating the house.

You're not sure if a relationship will work out. But you want to try, so you give your all in loving the person. In some ways, the riskiest proposal of all, simply because there is no easy way from extricating oneself from the possible quagmire should the shit hit the fan.

But, then again, there is possibly no higher reward.

Nobody ever won by not wagering.

Gambling. Try as we might, we can never run from it.

The cosmos is just one big, gigantic game of blackjack.

There are no intangibles. You know what cards your opponent has, you'll beat him. You know what cards have been played, you'll beat the house. Sometimes you can't win no matter how hard you try.

But you never stop trying.

The Gambler's Ruin. The House always wins.

Or does it?

Rules are meant to be broken.

I see the morning glory
It winds upon the tree
It tells the untold story of how things were meant to be
You saw the universe
Caught up in desperate dreams
You came and changed the ending
Changed it to save my fate
You led the revolution
You left your legacy
Embraced the struggle
in the face of mortality
I know I'm not alone in this
Help me believe

I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful healer
Beautiful grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place
Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains

It's still the same old story
This great divide
Between the want and waste
And all the hunger inside
I heard the news today
Now I'm trying to find my place
I'm just a single voice
What can I do to erase

All this misunderstanding
All this anarchy
Six degrees of separation
Sometimes it's so hard to see
That we are not alone in this
I need to believe

I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful healer
Beautiful grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place
Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains...

- Corrinne May, Free

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
8:52 PM

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Monday, July 18, 2005

Even the most hokkien peng of driving instructors can sometimes give good advice.

I suppose it's only natural to ask when your trainee starts speeding, nearly knocks down a pedestrian, and even manages to kill the engine flat from 50 in a single instant. Thankfully not in that order though.

And even more amazingly, when the trainee is otherwise doing well, technique-wise at least, on his virgin road trip.

When so many things weigh down on your mind, you can't help but be distracted.

What he said made alot of sense though: nothing is so bad that you can't live without it.

Except God, perhaps, but that's another debate.

Life goes on. The first experience cuts the deepest; always been this way.

Damn waste.

Goddamn waste.

What doesn't kill you though, always makes you stronger.

Right now, there are bigger things than the both of us.

Bigger things?

You have no fucking idea.

*

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely conscious, you'll say to no one
Isn't something missing

You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant
Am I so insignificant
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me

And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there
Isn't something missing
Isn't something

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't something missing
Isn't someone missing me

- Evanescence, Missing

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
11:21 PM

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Thursday, July 14, 2005

Am I not supposed to have what I want?

What I really want?

Even my dreams?

When someone gave you an ice-cream for the first time, how you cherished it.

Oh, how you cherished it.

You savoured it so much, and wouldn't even give anyone else a lick.

Then over time you got more ice-creams, and giving someone else a lick became less of an annoyance and more of something you wanted to do.

To make that other person happy.

Would you ever give up your happiness for someone else to be happy?

You know the feeling where someone offered you the whole world, and took it away before you could reach out your hands to accept it?

What if that person let you hold the world, let you feel how good it was, before snatching it away?

Would that be better?

Or would that be worse, knowing how much was within your grasp?

Having, and yet not having?

Sometimes, we have to let go of that which we treasure the most.

Even our dreams.

Because there are no happy endings. Happy endings exist only in fairy tales and the like.

Why does it feel so right, and yet so wrong?

I don't know.

I need someone to be strong for me. Someone to hold my hand and tell me everything's going to be alright.

Because I'm not sure I can be the hand-holder anymore.

God, please tell me what to do.

I'm so tired of being so wrong.

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
7:15 PM

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Wednesday, July 13, 2005

"What must I do?"

"When the time comes, you will know what you need to know."

"How will I do it?"

"You will find your courage."

"What if I can't? Or I won't?"

"Then the world as you know it, will fall. It will burn in the fires of your cowardice, and all whom you hold dear to you will perish."

A pause.

"There will be no dawn for you, just the eternal night of anguish and suffering."

"You talk as if all this will come to pass."

"It may. It may not. All you can be sure that the fate of all who are involved, rests on you."

"I don't want all this responsibility. I'm not fit for it."

"Your desires are irrelevant. Fate has chosen you for a reason. Put aside your fears - become who you were born to be."

"I cannot do this alone."

"You will not be. Our spirits, and our blessings, go with you."

A dry cough.

"Do this, for all our sakes."

"Prove that Man still has some of the fight left in him."

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
11:43 AM

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Saturday, July 09, 2005

Shades of Black Hawk Down.

In all the furore surrounding the bombing of London's metropolitan area, scant notice has been given to a little-publicized incident in far-away Afghanistan.

A CH-47 Chinook was downed by what appeared to be an rocket-propelled grenade over the Kunar region.

Why is this episode so uncanny in its resemblance? Along with another Chinook, it was a Special Forces chopper flying in resuce SEALs ambushed by Taliban forces, and the choppers started taking heavy ground fire as they neared their embattled comrades.

Ring a bell?

The RPG nailed the chinook right in its fuselage, and as its sister Chinook watched in horror the chopper struggled to regain control before surrending to the call of death and plummeting like a stone, killing all 16 crew and SEALs on board.

Starting to sound familiar?

Despite a pair of Apaches and A-10 Warthogs flying air cover missions overhead, they could do nothing but watch the Chinook dash itself against the lip of a ravine, then roll over and fall into the valley to impale itself on the rocky mountains of Afghanistan.

Now that's just creepy.

Looks like Afghanistan may be turning into another Somalia after all. Warlords roaming the land as they please, an insurgency slowly but surely spiralling out of control, and whatnot. Too much focus on Iraq, and look what they get.

America, do yourself a favour and start devoting more effort to where it counts. Nobody wants two Iraqs on the world map, so don't start now.

On a lighter note, this song goes out to that special someone.

I know you've heard these words a hundred other times before
And you've been hurt and so your heart has chose to close the door
Love broke your heart and brought you lies
Look in my eyes, you'll see a love that's deep and true
Tender and strong and all for you
You can trust this love, honestly that's the honest truth.

Chorus:
From the heart, I'm giving you everything, everything
From the heart, I promise you that I'll be there
I'll be there to love you
From the soul, I'm showing you all I feel, all I feel is
From the heart, from the heart.

I will protect you and respect you and be all you need
and when you reach for love you'll only need to reach for me
These arms will never let you down
They're staying around, I'll walk with you through every storm
I'll keep you safe, I'll keep you warm
And you'll have no doubt, you're the one I'm living for

From the heart, I'm giving you everything, everything
From the heart, I promise you that I'll be there
I'll be there to love you
From the soul, I'm showing you all I feel, all I feel is
From the heart, from the heart.

Bridge:
I'll provide the love you need
Just trust my touch, believe in me
I'll never make you cry
Giving all i've got with all i've got inside.

From the heart, I'm giving you everything, everything
From the heart, I promise you that I'll be there
I'll be there to love you
From the soul, I'm showing you all I feel, all I feel is
From the heart, from the heart.

- Another Level, From The Heart

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
11:06 AM

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Friday, July 01, 2005

With all my heart, I pledge my love forever
You've got my word, you and I will always be together
There may be times, we have a disagreement
This love's too strong, to ever let it come between us

I would, I would keep this love alive
I would, I would because otherwise

Me minus you equals blue
Can't imagine what I ever do
If it'd ever came to
Me minus you equals blue
I can't stand the thought I've lost so far
Like so many hearts being in the dark
It'll never be me minus you

Each day I learn, a little more about you
Then I know for sure, that I'd never wanna be without you
With all the stage of truth of this relation
Me without your love is such a sad equation baby

I would, I would keep this love alive
I would, I would because otherwise

Me minus you equals blue
Can't imagine what I ever do
If it'd ever came to
Me minus you equals blue
I can't stand the thought I've lost so far
Like so many hearts being in the dark
It'll never be...

What we got can't get much better
I would never change a thing
Baby we're so good together
Then I'll never, never ever want it to be me

Me minus you equals blue
Can't imagine what I ever do
If it'd ever came to
Me minus you equals blue
I can't stand the thought I've lost so far
I want you in my life
I can't be without your love

Me minus you equals blue
Can't imagine what I ever do
If it'd ever came to
Me minus you equals blue
I can't stand the thought I've lost so far
I need you here with me

- Glenn Medeiros, Me Minus You Equals Blue

This song just says so much of what I want to say.

And of course, a little poetry never hurt.

All I have to do is close my eyes, and dream
And there you are, standing before me
My very own love fantasy
Mine to love & cherish, it seems
Together for eternity
In a love so strong, it'd forever be

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
11:48 PM

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