Thursday, October 27, 2005
I sat on the breakwater, watching the waves lap gently at the sand. The receding sun played golden rays on the scene of our favourite spot.
Had been our favourite spot.
It had been so long since she left. But as always, I found myself inextricably drawn back here.
Why?
I guess it's just hard to let go of memories. Especially the ones that touch the deepest recesses of your soul.
I guess you never really forget.
Once upon a time, I was foolish.
I believed that all one needed was love. Love could overcome, could conquer all. Love was the single defining emotion that swept away the anger and angst and everything else that threatened the fragility of all that we built.
Naive. Infinitely so.
I never wanted to believe the mundane factors of the world had that much sway over us. The little things like parental approval. Or, lack of it. Character differences.
Being at each other's throats when times got bad. The unromantic, unglamourous side of being with her.
I could almost hear the voice of my defeatist conscience:
"You make the mistake of all of your kind - confusing emotional lust with true love."
The hardest lesson was to learn that it wasn't so much about me; rather, she was the one that mattered more to me than I did.But now she was gone, and everything I could and should have done to ensure otherwise, had long passed
I'm wasting my time. I should be moving on. If only -
Footsteps. Soft, slow ones. Familiar ones.
I caught a sudden uprising of emotion in my throat. Feelings consigned to the deepest reaches of my memory broke free and engulfed me.
I held my breath. My mouth involuntarily opened.
A shadow sat itself down, barely two feet away.
So near, and yet so far away."Hey," was all my dry throat could muster.
"Hello."
The sun had virtually gone, and its absence the shadows grew longer and darker.
"How are you?"
"Good. I've been good."
Silence reigned for a few more minutes. Then I steadied myself sufficiently to continue.
"It's been a long time."
This time her silhouette could only nod.
There was such a strong impulse to reach out and take her hand in mine, if only to reassure myself that she existed outside of my imagination.
What do you say to someone who once crumbled your heart?But then she took that decision away from me.
"I knew you'd be here."
"How?" I was dumbfounded. "You haven't been here since... since then."
The silence was getting awkward.
Abruptly, she rose, and in one fluid motion she turned to leave.
I grabbed her hand.
"Please don't leave me again," I begged.
She hesitated for an instant. But only for that instant.
"I'm so sorry."
Her retreating figure was soon swallowed by the creeping darkness.
As I sat down reluctantly, I became aware of a faint scent in the air. I turned to where she had been sitting.
An orange flower and a postcard stood out on the rough granite. I looked at the address of a church on the postcard quizically, then glancing at the flower again, I caught my breath.
Orange blossom. The flower of a bride-to-be.
Oh God, no."Jesus." I hissed.
There was nothing left to hope for, to pine for.
Or was there?
I have to be absolutely sure this is what I want.
There really is no turning back.
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
3:10 PM
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Monday, October 24, 2005
"My first is foremost legally
My second circles outwardly
My third leads all in victory
My fourth twice ends a nominee
My whole is this riddle's only key"
Solve it!
We steal to lose every colour
From the sky
Then crawl as a child
While the shadows burn our eyes
We know there's no longer shine
On this burned out rainbow
Lately it seems we've been chasing
What times resolved
Maybe something means nothing here
After all
Whispers are now screams
This conclusion never ends
My pride with your kiss
Even angels can't defend
We know we're running head on
Into our confusion
Lately it seems we've been chasing
What times resolved
Maybe something means nothing here
After all
Still we hide safe behind these crumbled walls
Cause we know there's nothing more here after all
We know there's no longer shine
On this burned out rainbow
Lately it seems we've been chasing
What times resolved
Maybe something means nothing here
After all
- Collective Soul, After All
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
5:02 AM
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Saturday, October 22, 2005
Wow.
What a rush.
I want to go back, pronto.
Msg me for the full story ;)
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
10:35 AM
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Sunday, October 09, 2005
'Cause I'm leavin', on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go...
Nervousness, trepidation, anxiety - all rolled up into one neat little bundle.
And don't forget a dash of panic, all stirred up nice with the ladle of apprehension.
But of course, there's always all that we've worked for, to look forward to.
Many promises lie ahead. I'd like to fulfil them for once.
I'll be leaving so many people, so many things behind. Not just the physical, the emotional as well.
I have to learn to let it go.
Maybe things will turn out for the better, after all.
See you all again, and souvenirs galore, I promise :)
All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up, to say goodbye
But the dawn is breaking it's early morn
The taxi's waiting he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe I hate to go
There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now they don't mean a thing
Everyplace I go I'll think of you
Every song I sing I'll sing for you
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe I hate to go
Well the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Then close your eyes and I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave you alone
About the times I won't have to say...
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe I hate to go
I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
- Chantal Kreviazuk, Leaving On A Jet Plane
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
9:54 AM
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Tuesday, October 04, 2005
What could have been.
Should have been.
Would have been.
A lifetime of what-ifs.
And now...
All that's left is an empty seat.
She has no further part in this play.
They knew this all along, and they tried to tell you as best as they could.
But you wouldn't listen, would you?
If she only knew
What I knew but couldn't say
If she could just see
The part of me that I hid away
If I could just hold her in my arms again
And just say I love you
But she's gone away, maybe she'd stay
If she only knew
If she could just feel
What I feel here in my heart
She'd know it was real
Pure and true right from the start
But I'm just a man who didn't understand
What she was going through
But she's gone away, maybe she'd stay
If she only knew
And how, how did I let her get away
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah
'Cause love, love is so easy to feel
But the hardest thing to say
If she could just see (see)
What I see when I close my eyes (close my eyes)
All that I dream (dream)
Surely she would realize
But like a fool I waited much too long
To let her know the truth
She's gone away, maybe she'd stay
If she only knew
Won't you tell me, tell me
How, how did I let her get away (tell me)
'Cause I guess that love
Love is so easy to feel
But the hardest thing to say
Say, say, say, say
If she only knew
What I knew but could not say
If she could just see
The part of me that I hid away
If I could just hold her in my arms again
And just say I love you, I love you
She's gone away, maybe she'd stay
If she only knew, if she only knew
Maybe she'd stay but she ran away
Why she had to go away
'Cause of what I didn't say
Don't know what to do
oh God how I wish that she knew...
- 98 Degrees, If She Only Knew
If she only knew...
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
3:37 PM
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Saturday, October 01, 2005
"Everybody needs a hero.
Courageous, self-sacrificing people, setting examples for all the rest of us.
Everyone loves a hero. They line up for them, cheer them, scream their names.
And years later they'll tell of how they stood in the rain for hours, just to catch a glimpse of the one who taught them to hold on a second longer.
There is a hero in all of us - that gives us strength, keeps us honest, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride.
Even though sometimes, we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most.
Even our dreams."
There are bigger things here than just you and me.
I'm so sorry.
It's ironic that the longer the prodigal son strays, the more he always wishes to come back to the fold.
Trying to live a life of dreams, but being brought down to an existence of responsibilities.
Happiness in servitude - the Servant King.
Soaring on the wings of foolish pride, I flew too high
And like Icarus, I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself, of all but love
To give and die
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
1:24 AM
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