Home Is Where The Heart Is

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Someone I know has loved a person close to him for more than a year now.

He's so close to her, does everything for her, is practically a surrogate brother - yet her heart does not belong to him, and probably never will.

He will never fit the archetype of the guy she wants, and she will never love him as more than a brother.

Why is he so selfless?

He is not selfless because he hopes to gain what his heart has always desired.

He is selfless because he is selfless.

He does all that he does without hope of gain and with everything to lose, and that, my friends, is the epitome of loving someone.

If I had my way, no one need ever experience all the hurt and unhappiness that love can bring.

But then perhaps it's a good thing I'm not in charge, because then no one would ever learn to truly cherish that special someone.

Perhaps one day we will all feel the magic again.

And maybe everyone will be happy.

Probably not, but how can I throw away such a dream?

Because that's all I have left.

Did you ever feel like you wanna be
Someone else for just one day
Did u ever feel like you wanna see
Through another pair of eyes
Did u ever think I might wanna be
With anyone else for just one day
Did u ever really think of me
When I walked away

The look the dunks and the bottle of Jack
The smokes the slouch and my eyes back
You think you know what you think you'll find
You think you'll figure me out tonight
But you'll never know what I won't share
'Cos I don't care, no I don't care
You think you'll figure me out tonight
But I don't care

And I wonder, if I'm just built this way
'Cos every man that I know makes me feel like I'm to blame
When it's over, me and my selfish ways
Go back to start again
Go back to start again

Did u ever feel like you should have said
Something smarter at the time
Did u ever feel like you should have kept
It all to yourself
Did u ever think it might be your fault
I never promised anymore
Did u ever think it might not be me
How it was always me

The look the dunks and the bottle of Jack
The smokes the slouch and my eyes back
You think you know what you think you'll find
You think you'll figure me out tonight
But you'll never know what I won't share
'Cos I don't care, no I don't care
You think you'll figure me out tonight
But I don't care

And I wonder, if I'm just built this way
'Cos every man that I know makes me feel like I'm to blame
When it's over, me and my selfish ways
Go back to start again

And I wonder, if I'm just built this way
'Cos every man that I know makes me feel like I'm to blame
When it's over, me and my selfish ways
Go back to start again
Go back to start again

The look the dunks and the bottle of Jack
The smokes the slouch and my eyes back
You think you know what you think you'll find
You think you'll figure me out tonight
But you'll never know what I won't share
'Cos I don't care, no I don't care
You think you'll figure me out tonight
But I don't care

And I wonder, if I'm just built this way
'Cos every man that I know makes me feel like I'm to blame
When it's over, me and my selfish ways
Go back to start again

And I wonder, if I'm just built this way
'Cos every man that I know makes me feel like I'm to blame
When it's over, me and my selfish ways
Go back to start again
Go back to start again
Go back to start again

- Samantha Ronson, Built This Way

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
8:26 PM

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Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Euphoric-ness.

I was sincerely not expecting to get the Starhub gig. Mentally preparing myself for the disappointment, and secretly envying the glut of free time I'd have if I didn't get it.

But get it I did, and for the second time in a long time, opportunity battered down the door and slapped me silly.

Silly with glee, I might add.

I'm just so thankful that the guy upstairs has blessed me once again.

Maybe, if I stop thinking about other stuff, they'll begin to fall into place around me. And life would take on a whole new meaning.

A meaning beyond description.

The magic is receiving what you asked for but never expected to get

And here's a whacky number from the fast-food facists:

Right now you have the urge to eat something.
When it's through, if you still want to eat
Then you're probably really hungry
Think about what I'm saying

F.A.T, that is me
But I didn't used to be
I was hot, I was hungry
I was loose, I was free
Then I waited in the line, for some burgers and some fries
Super size, that'd be nice
Take a bite and close your eyes

Round 2, what do I do
I can barely walk around
Jenny Craig, Richard Simmons
But I still lug the pounds
Hamburgers, coke cola, getting gas from too much soda
Double double, chunky chunky
Hope this meal is never over
The world is round, and so am I
Big boys, big girls with real big thighs

Super size, super size The American Way
Going down, throwing down
All day, every day
Super size, super size The American Way
Getting fat, getting broke
Either way you're gonna pay
Super size me
Super size me

Now I can't get out of bed
So I have to order in
I'm a triple fat fatty
And I have a triple chin
Who's the blame, call the lawyer
Try to settle outta court
Get some cash, spend it fast, cos I'm staring at my fork

Cos it's sad and it's lonely
Ham and cheese with balogne
Large pies, stuff-crusted, doggy bagels for a phony
I have lost the motivation
To inhibit the sensation
But I loathe the frustration
Birthday cake, I take my face in
Turkey club with double bacon's got healthy connotations
Fast food has over-taken
And has super sized the nation

Super size, super size The American Way
Going down, throwing down
All day, every day
Super size, super size The American Way
Getting fat, getting broke
Either way you're gonna pay
Super size me
Super size me

If I can keep up this progress, I'd have 25 pounds.
25 pounds! That's a lot of weight.

Kentucky fried, just fried
Chicken nuggets, dip it twice
Freeky fries and gelata
Philly cheese, drive-through diet
Pack more weight, cardiac
Heart attack, back on track
Grow so fat, slim, fast, slim, slow
Touch your toes

Finger lickin'
Hit the border
Pull right up and place your order
Yes sir, r'way
Right away
You deserve a break today!

Super size, super size The American way
Going down, throwing down
All day, every day
Super size, super size The American way
Getting fat, getting broke
Either way you're gonna pay
Super size me
Super size me

[Put something in your mouth]
Super size me
(Can I get extra cheese with that?)
Super size me
(Whatdaya mean 50 cents for extra cheese?)
Super size me
(I come here all the time!)
Super size me
(Hook your brother up!)
Super size me
(Ooh I'm a fan)
Super size me
(All you can eat, all day)
Super size me
(Is that the biggest size you've got?)
Super size me
(I said I want it super-sized)
Super size me
(Can I get like, a bucket with a handle?)
Super size me
(2 for a dollar? I'll take it!)
Super size me
(All I need is 3 more forks)
Super size me
(And another set of hands)

That's a pretty good idea!

- Toothpick, Super Size Me

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
12:17 AM

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Monday, November 07, 2005

I ran through the rain-soaked night. My breath came in cloudy gasps as I slipped and slid on the wet, muddy path.

According to the address on the card, I had to traverse well over 300 miles in a single night, if I were to have any hope of changing eternity.

An eternity of bitterness and regret.

On foot, in the worst weather one could hope for... impossible.

But I would try anyway.

Just when you're about to admit defeat, Fate sometimes throws a spanner in the works to gum things up.

The twin beams of light were apparent even before I emerged from the forest onto the highway. They weren't moving.

Hope springs eternal.

I stumbled towards the stationary vehicle on the asphalt. The Toyota had the driver's door slightly ajar, a sign of trouble.

Curious, I looked inside.

Seated at the wheel, an old man had slumped over to the front passenger seat. Blood trailed from the wound at his temple.

It was then I noticed the spiderweb of cracks on the window, as well as the tell-tale hole emanating from its core.

I looked around anxiously for the assailant. But of course, he or she had long vanished into the gathering night.

A sound startled my frayed nerves. The old man was apparently still alive, for he emitted a low groan and shifted slightly.

I rushed over, grabbing his wrist to feel his pulse and trying to stimulate him to full consciousness at the same time.

Too weak. The man's time here on this physical plane was growing short, and there was nothing I could do about it. So many things I could do nothing about.

In one last momentous effort, and even though he had never seen me before in his life, the old man grabbed my sleeve feebly and said, "My daughter... tell her..."

He coughed, and a trickle of blood oozed from his mouth.

"Tell her I love her."

He hacked, and this time there was a gush of blood. Even as his limbs continued to twitch, he expired in my arms.

I felt a sense of solemnity. For though the man was a stranger to me, Death makes us all forlorn in his presence.

I checked his pockets. Any personal belongings had been rifled from his person, making identification impractical for now. The robber, or robbers, had gotten clean away.

Then again, there was still the car, with the engine running...

The key was still in the ignition.

A way for me to achieve a miracle.

A little while later, I was on the road again.

But for the first time in a long while, I had hope.

And a dead guy stretched across the back-seat, but nothing could be done about that for the time being.

The passing lampposts played spears of smudged light through the rain, as I kept my eyes on the road and off the doubts rapidly accumulating in my head.

A year ago, I would not have cared enough to make any kind of effort, let alone such a harebrained attempt at mending affairs as this.

But times change. People change.

Sometimes I don't really know the person in the mirror anymore.

I paused at the junction.

One choice would provide the proverbial blue pill. I would wake up in the morning and continue as if nothing had happened.

This isn't your fight. You can choose to walk away from it, away from the hopelessness of it all.

The other choice would lead me ever further down the rabbit hole, down into the madness of my own making.

Love and insanity. Romance and madness. Two sides of the same coin, forever intertwined.

It is amazing how remarkably similar they are to each other.

I looked back at the dead guy.

He never got the chance to say what he really wanted to say to a loved one.

Would I make the same mistake?

As I sped down the road to an uncertain future, a thought that had been nagging at me suddenly popped into my conscious mind.

What kind of robber takes the wallet and leaves the car?

I had no answer.

In our headlights, staring, bleak
Beer cans, deer's eyes
On the asphalt underneath, our crushed plans and my lies
Lonely street signs, powerlines
They keep on flashing, flashing by

And we keep driving into the night
It's a late goodbye, such a late goodbye
And we keep driving into the night
It's a late goodbye

Your breath hot upon my cheek
And we crossed, that line
You made me strong, when I was feeling weak
And we crossed, that one time
Screaming stop signs, staring wild eyes
Keep on flashing, flashing by

And we keep driving into the night
It's a late goodbye, such a late goodbye
And we keep driving into the night
It's a late goodbye

The devil grins from ear to ear when he sees the hand he's dealt us
Points at your flaming hair, and then we're playing hide and seek
I can't breathe easy here, less our trail's gone cold behind us
Til' in the john mirror you stare at yourself grown old and weak

And we keep driving into the night
It's a late goodbye, such a late goodbye...

- Poets Of The Fall, Late Goodbye

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
2:14 AM

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