Tuesday, December 13, 2005

If everything you once knew as the truth turned out to be fiction, how would you react?

Your self-belief shaken, the foundation of your very existence turned to grey, putrid mush.

You know not where to turn, for in every direction lies hysteria and madness.

What could rescue me from such a fate?



I parked the car outside the church, an old stucco affair weathered by time and the elements.

The place was deserted. Perhaps I had followed a red herring, been led on a wild goose chase, contrived just to keep me busy.

Then it hit me.

What are you looking for? What do you want from all this?

Throughout the journey, it had been easy to block out the whispers of reason, but now they resounded with the reborn energy of silence.

The hand of fate would be immovable, as always. I would be merely deceiving myself, pretending that hope had not deserted me like she had.

Of course, truth was always a relative thing. Who was to say I had not been the one doing the deserting?



My eyes caught a flicker of motion that vanished into the open doors of the church.

I wearied of chasing shadows. But I had come so far, to give up now would be the most heinous of injustices.

And so, as always, I was compelled to follow.

She stood at the altar, resplendent in her bridal attire.

Somehow I had always envisaged this moment. Just in different circumstances.

Not for the first time in my life, I was devoid of speech.



Why have you come?

I came because I believed in a different future.

And oh, I almost forgot.

I still love you.

The ghosts of my past spoke to me, intimately. They hungered for resolution, for peace at last.



"I'm getting married today," she said, simply.

"I know." I paused, and then, "I -"

She held up a veiled hand. "Please, don't do this. I only left you that note because I wanted you to see the truth, with your own eyes."

Comprehension eluded me. I had simply ceased to understand anything else.

The human mind finds it hard to accept impossibilities. Often it retreats from reality, finding refuge in alcohol, drugs, and even death.

I had played the game of connect-the-dots, and I had failed.



Surely there was something I could do, something I could say to make a difference...

"Why?" was I could muster.

She smiled wanly. "The time we spent together... I'm sorry, but I never really loved you." She paused, and then, "It was all just a dream."

A dream you had to wake up from?

I could feel the lump in my throat growing bigger. My eyes threatened an imminent overflow, as the world grew ever more silent.

"You once told me you loved only me," I continued lamely.

She bit her lip. "You already know what I'm going to say."

People say things that they don't really mean, sometimes.



A journey of three long years, through so many obstacles, only to end with the slightest of whimpers.

I could just, perhaps, let it go...

But I was not capable of such heroics. I could not let go of what had been a lifetime of happiness to me.



"Please go." She looked at me with sadness in her eyes. "Please leave, for me."

The honourable thing would have been to bow out with grace. Could I refuse?

Even if I discounted honour, would it help me in any way?

I could only salvage what was left of my dignity.

Not everything happens as it does in dreams.



She followed me to the car.

"We won't be seeing each other again," I said matter-of-factly.

I opened the door. I had to resist the terrible temptation to turn around and do something stupid, something that the romantics would love.

Before I could slide behind the wheel, I heard a gasp.

I twisted around, and she was covering her mouth either in surprise, or more likely, horror.

I turned back to follow the direction of her gaze. The old man on the back seat still looked like he had only just passed away.

From the look in her eyes, I could only surmise the obvious.

She knew the old man.



Another spin of the wheel, and again our fates change.



So here we stand
Anchored in hope
Letting the rain wash away every fear
Stars in the sky
Twinkle and shine
I pray they won't disappear

'Cause I don't know
Where your journey goes
Or how long it will take to unfold
But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I will be watching over every beat of your heart

I wish that time
Could be replayed
I'd keep you here with me everyday
They say that love is letting go
I hope that you find your way

'Cause I don't know
Where your journey goes
Or how long it will take to unfold
But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I know you're watching over every beat of my heart

- Corrinne May, Every Beat Of My Heart