Friday, May 05, 2006

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[Start Transmission]

My name is unimportant. I am whoever anyone might think I am. I am but the sum equation of the perceptions of everyone around me, and yet at the same time I am more - I represent the memories of my life, the memories of my twenty-three years.

Looking back over my life, I wonder if I could have, should have done certain things differently. Was I so caught up in the advancement of that which I held to be important that the people and events that have come into my life were inconsequential by comparison?

Perhaps I might have made some small adjustment, some small change here and there that would in no way have strayed my path forward, but have dramatically improved the lives of those dear to me. Some minute compromise that would have, just perhaps, turned things out differently. But then the fallacy of it becomes apparent to me, as is the entire futility of fighting against our own pre-determined paths.

Was there any way to keep her close?

The logic, the reason behind it. She and I could not stay together as friends, never mind as more than that. My very presence was hurting her, despite what she or I might pretend otherwise, and perhaps it was my own fault more than hers, but everytime she saw me she could not help but be reminded of past hurts.

I had to be brutal to be kind. I had to tell her to go away, and bear her hate forever, because I know that I would rather see her happy again, sometime in the future, than never. So she could forget about me totally and move on with her life, just as I am doing with mine.

I wasn't proud of this decision. To this day, it pains me deeply, but it was something I had to do.

Still, I wonder if there was any other way to do it, any other way that would have involved less hurt to both parties. Might I have told her more gently, more frankly, asked for her co-operation? The idea seemed attractive, until I realised that like the proverbial story about a wound that heals best when it is treated with salt, an intense pain must be borne, for a time, to ensure the path to a better future - both our futures - remains unhindered.

My one regret was that when I had that one chance in the palm of my hand, I failed to cherish it. Speculation what might have come to pass had things been... different is useless, and yet I find myself wandering along those forbidden paths of thought.

Perhaps in a great many years to come, we'll meet again. But of course, I'll have moved far away by then. Events are out of my hands right now, and as the future rolls towards us, I pray that I will know what next to do.

Letting go is the hardest thing to do.

Perhaps someday I'll truly understand the meaning of that.

[End Transmission]



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