Home Is Where The Heart Is

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

A momentary lapse in my concentration, and a routine corner breaks into a goalmouth tussle that ends with the ball being slammed into my net. 4-0.

They have scored. Improbable now becomes impossible.

The world grows ever smaller.

I have failed.

But no! A thousand times no! The linesman is waving his flag furiously, and the referee runs over - the goal is disallowed! Foul on my 'keeper!

My balls are still in my mouth as I cannot believe what has just transpired in the last few seconds. It feels like someone made to stab me in the heart, but desisted at the last possible moment.

I sit down, numbed. I hear not the frenzied arguments between the referee and the opposing team, only the monumental beats of my heart.

And in that moment it strikes me: there is no compromise, no aiming for a draw, no seeking to lessen the damage, no bargaining for an even-handed settlement.

I have been spared for one purpose.

To win.

"Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!"

- Admiral David G. Farragut, American Civil War

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
12:40 PM

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Friday, August 18, 2006

Many years have passed... you did not have the cares that you carry now.

I give hope to others...

I keep none for myself.

Put aside your fears - become who you were born to be.

Is this all a fantasy
Is this all in my mind?
You'd think I'm foolish, you think I'm blind
'Cos there's no way I could know you
No way I could make you mine

But you don't see me cry
The window into my soul
And you wonder why, don't you even know
Can't come out to play, it's all in my head
Love's a play that's already made

All this life I've wanted to be
The vision of my, my fantasy
In this life or the next
By my breath or my death
I'll be the vision of your fantasy

'Til one day, you found that someone
Someone to give your love away
The day I thought I'd lost you, I lost my way
There was nothing I could say, nothing to make you stay
Just a lonely lost soul, aye-yi

But for the future, come what may
It's irrelevant what I hope or pray
And there I'll be, waiting for the day
When you finally come back my way

All this life I've wanted to be
The vision of your, your fantasy
In this life or the next
By my breath or my death
I'll be the vision of your fantasy

Sayin' what will stop the pain
But it's not your fault, it's mine
Some kinda easy way out, you'd think?
But it's all a lie when I say

All this life I've wanted to be
The vision of my, my fantasy
In this life or the next
By my breath or my death
I'll be the vision of your fantasy

The vision of your fantasy
The vision of my fantasy
It's just a game for you and me

- The Vision Of My Fantasy, Me

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
5:03 AM

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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The world is changing. Much that once was, is now gone.

In the gathering dark, the will of the other grows strong.

It works hard now to find its way into his heart - his heart, which is so easily seduced.

He has but to extend his hand, claim it for his own - and his world will fall.

His strength begins to fail. In his heart, he begins to understand that the quest will claim his life.

It is but an eventuality; he will come to death, an image painted in the hope of men, in glory undimmed before the breaking of the world.

But before his time is over, he will linger on in darkness and in doubt, as nightfall in winter that comes without a star.

Bound to his grief under the fading light, 'til all the world is changed, and the long years of his life are utterly spent.

There is nothing left for him - only death.

"He stays because he still has hope."
"He stays for her! He belongs with his people."
"There is always hope."
"Hope. Hope, the quintessential human delusion - simultaneously the source of his greatest strength and his greatest weakness."

"Let him bear his love for her away to another realm, there it will be evergreen."
"But never more than a memory."
"I will not leave him here to die!"

"Do you remember what we promised each other, many moons ago?"
"You said you'd bind yourself to me, forsaking all else."
"And to that I hold."
"But the time we shared together... it was nothing more than a memory. A dream."
"Then it was - is a good dream.
"I-"
"I have a gift for you."
"You cannot give me this!"
"It is mine to give to whom I will... like my heart."

"The human recovers well."
"That wound will never fully heal - he will bear it for the rest of his life."
"Yet to have come so far, still staying to his quest, the human has shown extraordinary resilience."
"He will never be rid of his need for it."
"It is a pity, then, that the human did not give up when he had the chance."
"Pity? It is pity that stayed his hand. The pity of one may someday rule the fates of many."

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove and
It's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive

- Lifehouse, You & Me

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
9:07 PM

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Wednesday, August 02, 2006

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change that which I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

We faced each other over the remains of our dinner.

All evening, I had dreaded this moment, tried to put it out of my mind – out of hers, if that were possible.

She rested her fingers lightly on the whites of my knuckles. It was then I realised that I had been clenching them all along.

She looked into my eyes. Those lovely, hazel eyes.

For a moment, I lost my self-composure.

When I was myself again, I noticed she was looking at me not with bewilderment, but with a look that signaled an understanding that, somehow, seemed so familiar.

Had her gaze been accusatory, even a look locked in the guise of searching my face for an answer, I would have felt better. Instead, this look of conciliatory sympathy was more than I could bear.

"We can't continue like this."

Her words bit like the razor-sharp edge of a frozen icicle. I felt the chill at the base of my neck grow ever more frigid, anticipation closing its grim fist around my throat, filling my senses with its looming presence.

"I'd say something cliched right about now..." she continued.

"And then I'm supposed to say something equally stale in reply, but..." I riposted.

"But what?" she prompted.

"But you already know what I'm going to say," I finished.

" 'I'm sorry it had to end this way,' " she offered.

Despite myself, I couldn't help smiling. " 'It's not your fault, it's mine.' "

She grinned back. "Always the honest one, eh?"

I felt entitled to having the last word. "The pleasure's all mine, this time."

All the lightheartedness changed things not a whit: it was over and there was nothing I could do about it.

She grew serious. Withdrawing two linked circles from her pocket, she held them out to me. "I believe this belongs to you."

I stared at the rings of stainless steel, shaking my head. "It was a gift."

Then I looked into her eyes once more.

"Keep it."

For a moment, I thought I saw her resolve waver. But I wouldn't have sworn to it.

Her voice was filled with sadness. "You told me once these rings represented us."

"I still believe in that."

"And that we would only part when these rings broke. But now... that's no longer true."

"You don't believe that," I muttered through gritted teeth.

Her gaze did waver this time. Unmistakably.

"You have to let me go. Please. For my sake... for both our sakes," she whispered, almost pleadingly.

"I can't believe this."

"Please." Her voice grew firm. "There are bigger things happening here than just you and me."

"I can't," I stonewalled.

Abruptly, she rose from the table. I rose with her.

"I... I have to go," she stammered. "If you love me, forget me." She stood her ground for just a moment longer, her eyes filled with... fear?

Fear of what?

Then she fled, her receding footsteps a hollow echo in my mind.

For a moment I stood there, stunned by the veracity of what had just transpired in the last few seconds.

I was lost. Should I heed her wishes, or listen to the voices of instinct in my head screaming all manner of incongruities? I could run after her, or I could continue standing there like a fool.

Either way, my choice was ultimately futile. Or was it?

Even the mightiest of desires cannot change the course of what is meant to be.

Almost automatically, I began fumbling around the dishes on the table for the intertwined rings. Something, anything to hold on the memories of her and me.

But I could not find it. Panicking, I redoubled my efforts, checking the surrounding area.

Long seconds elapsed before the obvious hit me in the face.

She had never meant to leave them behind.

Then why had she shown them to me? There could be no plausible reason, unless...

Dear God.

I began to run.

Did I hear you right?
'Cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Why haven't I always loved you?

Oh when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh, please, protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered, now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered, now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you ?

But when I need you
You're almost here
Well, I never knew how far behind I left you
And when I hold you
You're almost here
Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted

And now I'm with you, I'm close to tears
'Cause I know I'm almost here
Only almost here

- Brian McFadden & Delta Goodrem, Almost Here

Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
11:17 PM

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