Wednesday, August 02, 2006

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change that which I can, and wisdom to know the difference.



We faced each other over the remains of our dinner.

All evening, I had dreaded this moment, tried to put it out of my mind – out of hers, if that were possible.

She rested her fingers lightly on the whites of my knuckles. It was then I realised that I had been clenching them all along.

She looked into my eyes. Those lovely, hazel eyes.

For a moment, I lost my self-composure.

When I was myself again, I noticed she was looking at me not with bewilderment, but with a look that signaled an understanding that, somehow, seemed so familiar.

Had her gaze been accusatory, even a look locked in the guise of searching my face for an answer, I would have felt better. Instead, this look of conciliatory sympathy was more than I could bear.

"We can't continue like this."

Her words bit like the razor-sharp edge of a frozen icicle. I felt the chill at the base of my neck grow ever more frigid, anticipation closing its grim fist around my throat, filling my senses with its looming presence.

"I'd say something cliched right about now..." she continued.

"And then I'm supposed to say something equally stale in reply, but..." I riposted.

"But what?" she prompted.

"But you already know what I'm going to say," I finished.

" 'I'm sorry it had to end this way,' " she offered.

Despite myself, I couldn't help smiling. " 'It's not your fault, it's mine.' "

She grinned back. "Always the honest one, eh?"

I felt entitled to having the last word. "The pleasure's all mine, this time."

All the lightheartedness changed things not a whit: it was over and there was nothing I could do about it.

She grew serious. Withdrawing two linked circles from her pocket, she held them out to me. "I believe this belongs to you."

I stared at the rings of stainless steel, shaking my head. "It was a gift."

Then I looked into her eyes once more.

"Keep it."

For a moment, I thought I saw her resolve waver. But I wouldn't have sworn to it.

Her voice was filled with sadness. "You told me once these rings represented us."

"I still believe in that."

"And that we would only part when these rings broke. But now... that's no longer true."

"You don't believe that," I muttered through gritted teeth.

Her gaze did waver this time. Unmistakably.

"You have to let me go. Please. For my sake... for both our sakes," she whispered, almost pleadingly.

"I can't believe this."

"Please." Her voice grew firm. "There are bigger things happening here than just you and me."

"I can't," I stonewalled.

Abruptly, she rose from the table. I rose with her.

"I... I have to go," she stammered. "If you love me, forget me." She stood her ground for just a moment longer, her eyes filled with... fear?

Fear of what?

Then she fled, her receding footsteps a hollow echo in my mind.

For a moment I stood there, stunned by the veracity of what had just transpired in the last few seconds.

I was lost. Should I heed her wishes, or listen to the voices of instinct in my head screaming all manner of incongruities? I could run after her, or I could continue standing there like a fool.

Either way, my choice was ultimately futile. Or was it?

Even the mightiest of desires cannot change the course of what is meant to be.

Almost automatically, I began fumbling around the dishes on the table for the intertwined rings. Something, anything to hold on the memories of her and me.

But I could not find it. Panicking, I redoubled my efforts, checking the surrounding area.

Long seconds elapsed before the obvious hit me in the face.

She had never meant to leave them behind.

Then why had she shown them to me? There could be no plausible reason, unless...

Dear God.

I began to run.



Did I hear you right?
'Cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Why haven't I always loved you?

Oh when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh, please, protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered, now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered, now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you ?

But when I need you
You're almost here
Well, I never knew how far behind I left you
And when I hold you
You're almost here
Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted

And now I'm with you, I'm close to tears
'Cause I know I'm almost here
Only almost here

- Brian McFadden & Delta Goodrem, Almost Here