Saturday, September 23, 2006

The final explosion of sound and colour was a dramatic conclusion to everything that had led me to this final, inevitable decision.

I could only hope that I had done the right thing.

Reborn into a world of twilight and shadows, my now-insubstantial form knew neither the earthly cares of a mortal, nor the calming balm of death of the newly-deceased.

Not even the unending solitude of immortality.

"Come." Death intoned. "There is something you have to witness."

Wordlessly, I followed.



Standing erect over a steaming pool of motlten sulphur, that great hooded cloak somehow seemed to beckon me closer. The air was filled not with the customary stench of fire and brimstone, but instead smelled clean and refreshing, almost as if someone had cleaned the place for rather too long.

If I could have summoned the scope for the emotion, I would have laughed at the irony of it.

"Look into the pool. See what you must."

Hesitatation. Then I looked.

The swirling eddies of liquid yellow continue to churn with intense ferocity for a few seconds, then abruptly, the surface settled to become as one with the atmosphere.

Blurred visions formed, mocking me with their lack of clarity for a few seconds before focusing into sharp relief. The images were startling not for their vividness, but for the series of events they depicted.

Her head on the shoulder of another - a pose that somehow seemed so familiar to me... but I could not say why.

Then her hand slipped into that of another's.

With a shattering of the darkness, as if someone had taken away the heavy blankets of indifference surrounding me, I knew the situation. I knew it intimately

The picture was entirely familiar now, but it was not me in the picture - instead some nameless male was usurping my place.

As I watched their hands clasp, I was struck by a sudden revelation. This was no act, no drama, no charade staged purely for my benefit. The look in her eyes, the tenderness of their interlocked fingers, even the posture of their bodies - it all bespoke of a trust, tenderness and affection that could not be inveigled or bargained or otherwise simulated.

"What is this?" I hissed.

No answer. Long seconds passed.

"It is what has already come to pass. You knew the full price of your actions; not only the sacrifice, but the lack of any recognition thereof."

In some way, I felt punctured.

A faint mocking sound emanated from the figure before me. "No, this is not some hell in which your worst nightmares are played over and over again to you, throughout all the time that is left in eternity."

"What you see here has been shown for a purpose. Look again, and tell me what you see."

Almost reluctantly, I looked again.

The image was clear, unchanged. Then, as I peered into the pool, the liquid churned afresh.

I was looking at an almost identical image - the only change was that the face of the guy in the picture this time was my own.

"That's it?" I was incredulous.

Death hardly need to affirm my statement. "But I don't understand," I continued.

"You expect so much from all this, do you not? You think the world owes you for your actions." Death's voice took on a harder edge. "You have built your vision of your fate to the extent where it is totally superfluous, totally unrealistic.

"You envision a world of dashing knights in armour and beautiful damsels in distress - a world that does not and never did exist. You deny its existence, you struggle to disavow it - but you cannot conceal your belief that you deserve more for your actions. Are you so confident that your belief in a lifetime of denial and self-sacrifice must be rewarded with such indulgence?"

I could only look stunned.

Death's voice lost some of its harshness. "I could have showed you this before you made your decision, but you would not have understood its true significance."

"Now do you know what you must do?"

I nodded dejectedly. "I have to let her go," I replied lamely.

"No."

"Wha-"

"You still love her, don't you?"

"Does it matter?" I said dispiritedly.

Death turned toward me, fixating me with a damning gaze. "If you wish to validate your claims, you must be prepared to defend them."

The journey does not end here.

As if reading my thoughts, Death interjected: "No, it has only begun."