Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Life's a bitch. A proper whore, at that.

I'm just kinda sour at the moment, hence the language. In the morning, once I've slept it off, I'll probably feel better. Or not. After all, emotions are a pretty hard basket of nuts to crack with regards to other people, let alone oneself. Ever wonder why the wise guru can't take his/her own advice? It's always easier to turn the Dispenso-matic(tm) of wise advice on others, never on thyself.

I digress. Whats making me feel all rotten all of a sudden? As I may have mentioned before, the past so often has the habit of creeping up on you. Only this time, the sledgehammer is directed at a rather more fragile part of the soul. Not the ego, but rather the heart.

Yes, I know. Love is always a sore topic for me, all the more because I look around and I see so much in the world... and my hands have never been able to reach out to accept the gift, never mind partake of it. Friendships mostly come and go, a few survive to this day... but they are just friends. To put it rather cynically, you don't marry a friend. The human need for companionship, such a fundamental need. And such a sore point, because it is a need that is never merely sated, it is either starved to the point of withering away, or less commonly, overflowing with fulfilment. Very few can claim to be just content with their status quo, in affairs of the heart. Most long for a better future, regardless of the fact that they may actually be attached.

This desperate ache for someone, should, for all means and purposes, make a desperado out of me. Many have followed that route. Yet I hold back... why? Because that route simply leads to more heartache down the road. Because I have seen firsthand the disastrous effects that can occur... and because I too have learnt the hard way a relationship falls apart of its own weight if there is no love in the first place.

Then, one is caught in a double bind, a catch-22. The apparent solution would simply worsen the problem in the end, yet it by no means makes accepting the present situation easier or any more pleasant. What's a lonely person to do? Death? No... for even if I were condemned to rot in Hell anyway, I'd rather go with the knowledge of love during my brief existence upon this planet. A paralysis of the soul... rather morbid, but perhaps just sufficiently so for my purposes. I say soul, because mentally I should be feeling fine. Trouble is, the human soul has never been concerned with any logic.

I feel so alone...

I look at you over my shoulder... I cannot stop

God be with me.



"Love is so easy to feel, but the hardest thing to say..."
- excerpt from an old song