Thursday, September 30, 2004
Damn, I'm blogging alot these days (at least for my standards). What gives? I should be going nuts doing my work, but somehow stress forces all these thoughts out of my head... Hmm whoever said stress is a great motivator was spot on, 'cause it damn well is.
Anyway, a little housekeeping. Silly me noticed, after all these months, that comments were not enabled on this blog. After all this time, I feel really
toot about that. It's now enabled, so any hatemail/comments/love letters can be posted as adequate (you can comment on any past articles, feel free to do so).
"I 'll tell you this... right now, I dunno what to think."
- Frost
Yeah, sure. 'I dunno what to think'. Not a phrase commonly in usage among the general populace, perhaps because more than ever it is a deeper admission of vulnerability than most people would care to admit.
Funny, isn't it? Most of the time, people don't know what the other party is thinking, and that is bad enough because you have to second-guess someone else's thoughts. Worse still to have to second-guess YOUR own. What gives?
Recently, just as suddenly as Hurricane Ivan wreaked his havoc upon the U.S of A, something happened to me. Vows of celibacy are never absolute, at least not in the mind. I can be a monk in body, but never in spirit. The human spirit will always feel attraction for particular members of the opposite sex, whether it be for physical appearance or personable character (I am NOT including homosexuality, because that's not the issue here) , no matter how one may labour mightily to deny its existence or paper it over with false thoughts.
I vowed never to fall for someone again, lest it turn out to be like so many times in the past; totally one-sided, and perhaps totally unrealistic. The next time I loved somebody, really loved somebody, would be the One, that I need never feel the pang of not just heartbreak, but having the chance snatched away from me before I could even reach out eager hands to embrace it.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so melodramatic. It's just that... old habits die hard. Anyways, vows are made to be broken, and you can never stop loving. The emotion, at any rate. As of right now, I'm so uncertain... do I really like this girl for who she is? Or do I like her because my wandering heart has simply found a new target in which to manifest my longings? Or is it just a simple crush, because of the everlasting power of a smile to induce romantic notions?
Doubts, doubts.
I should be stronger than this. I should not allow this to affect me. But it does... and I cannot stop it, no more than I can stop the passage of day with my bare hands. I don't have any answers, so common sense dictates I should play this by ear. Should I suppress what I'm feeling? Should I choose the mind over the heart? Am I really a die-hard romantic at heart...?
I feel I am now at the point where I cannot tell truth from ficition, whether this is a real liking for someone or simply a conjured emotion.
Oh, the days when liking someone was reason enough to go all out.
I miss them.
As someone once said, if something is made so cleverly it cannot be told apart from the real thing, then it is, for all intents and purposes, the real thing. I wish that were the absolute truth
As before, this will most probably end in heartache (for me, at any rate). What drives me on, as drives so many fellow humans, are the two most intriuging words of the human race:
What if?
Peace. Out.
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
6:35 AM
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Sunday, September 26, 2004
Fate. I said it before, and I'll say it again, it rules our lives far more than most of us would care to admit.
Anyway, I just had this thought the other day, when I was watching Bachelorette 2 on 5. I know, reality shows are really ubitiqious these days - and this is hardly one of the more watchable of them. Still, I remember thinking, Meredith doesn't look so hot to me - yet there are so many guys dying for a chance to get her? Must be her inner beauty. Then it hit me: what the hell is inner beauty, exactly?
Personality, character - can you define this as inner beauty? What makes an otherwise Plain Jane look so attractive to you? People have long held the notion that inner beauty is by far the more important of the twin ideals of beauty, for people would rather marry a nice girl rather than the village bitch - except in rare cases; see My Sassy Girl for said example - and the most important aspect, inner beauty doesn't fade, unlike the physical variant which endures only as far as the first set of wrinkles. Or does it?
Whoever said inner beauty can't fade? Who the f*ck said inner beauty has to be absolute? The handsomeness of the heart is surely as vulnerable to the passage of time and human politicking as anything else, perhaps even more so. When a man divorces his wife, or vice versa, barring extramartial affairs or any number of weird reasons, the main issue is that his or her spouse has changed, and they are no longer compatiable.
Many men have left their wives for the twenty pounds they put on since marriage, or the crow's eyes they developed - over their whole face. Such is their shallowness, and yet few recognize that just as many people leave their spouses because their inner beauty is no longer what it once was. The proverbial nice girl turning into a dominating shrew after marriage - that is but one of the many examples that inner beauty is not all it seems.
All of us know the cliched phrase, Beauty is only skin deep. I say, beauty is only as deep as it is necessary for others to see - physical or otherwise.
"People are always searching for the perfect partner in life. In the meantime they get married."
- Anonymous
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
10:51 PM
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Friday, September 10, 2004
"I'll tell you one thing... I will miss the chase."
- D
Hands up those who are attached. Do you remember the time when you felt the first inkling of emotion for that special guy/girl? How when it first struck you full in the face, that rush of emotion? The trembling effect on your knees whenever the One came within 5 yards?
One can't deny the natural high from planning to pursue, or actually pursuing, the object of one's affection. The thrill of going after someone is quite different from the actual feeling of being with someone, something that has always been glossed over by the media. Most view the passage of wooing said love interest as a means to an end, but I'm beginning to think that's not all it's cracked up to be.
Think about it. Once attached, one can't legitimately chase someone else, without a clear and utter lack of morals (in which case, I have nothing to say). Of course, you're not supposed to want to chase someone else, one of the fundamental aspects of a relationship is exclusivity. In other words, you are hers and she is yours, period. That's why some people can't commit to a relationship... they don't want to be tied down to a singular person.
Unlike the picture painted by romantic movies, life with your girl/boyfriend isn't always romantic music and sweet nothings. It's amazingly like normal life, except you now have someone else to think about other than your personal self. Life still goes on, with all the mundane stuff. No more wondering about whether that cute girl two rows down in the lecture might fancy you, or something equivalent. Where's the spark, the anxiety of making a move on someone?
So should we all be swinging singles? Hardly. The experts who advocate freshness in a marriage, i.e trying to date your wife all over again, can't really say it here because a relationship isn't as secure, or in other words as boring as marriage. No morals to be learnt here, for once.
Life is a journey, and occasionally the trip itself becomes more attractive than the destination. That unfortunately, is the sad truth for many estranged couples.
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
8:29 PM
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Saturday, September 04, 2004
"What matters is that, whatever happened, happened for a reason..."
- Smith
Do you believe in fate? I know I do... it's easier to believe in some mystical force that drives us, rather than dismiss life as a series of coincidences. Humans have always tended to favour the supernatural over the mundane... it just has more, shall we say, oomph.
Today I saw a girl on the MRT. Inconsequential enough, except that she was pretty. That got my attention more than the average female, but that's obviously not the point here; pretty girls are a dime a dozen on the street. There was just this... something about her, something I can't explain. No it's not the pretty face, I've seen better looking girls, but something else altogether.
Have you ever seen anyone who struck a chord deep in your emotional cortex, someone who felt so captivating to you? The notion seems so trivial, even ridiculous, but words are a poor substitute for the conveying of emotional language. It's definitely not any kind of romantic feeling, because I don't even know her. Not a crush, because I'm not thinking about her that way. Yet there is just something unusual about her that draws my attention, something that just doesn't quite fit.
Which brings me back to my point. Fate always plays a significant part in one's life, that's what I think. What you do, what you say... all these things come back to haunt you, somehow. Just like a chess grandmaster would do, all these things are oriented so that they fit into a gigantic jigsaw puzzle, things so insignificant as taking a drink of water have an eventual if small say on how the final picture turns out. A masterplan, if you will.
Many people disdain the notion of fate; to quote a certain Neo of movie fame, "I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my own life." Those who truly believe in religion, know this notion to be false, because they believe in the divinity of their deity(s). Can fate, itself, be its own religion? Blasphemous, certainly.
And yet things happen, things I cannot explain. Nor am I sure I want to; perhaps things are better left unsaid, for it has been said the difference between curiosity and madness is but the breadth of a human hair.
Someday, perhaps, I'll understand it all.
Runnin' away, you can't pretend...
11:02 PM
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